Have you ever wanted something so badly that you started doing any and everything to “help” make it happen? And by help, I mean quietly trying to control every detail so things pan out the way you want them to.
I could be wrong, but I feel like we’ve all been there in some way.
Maybe it was a relationship or a friendship. Maybe it was a job or an opportunity. Maybe it was clarity you felt you needed, or a conversation you were hoping would go a certain way. Or it could have been a door that you really wanted God to open, so you kept checking the doorknob every five minutes asking Him when He was going to make it happen.
And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to “do your part”, because at times there are steps we need to take to participate with what God is doing. But I think one of the most uncomfortable things to admit is when our desire for something starts turning into manipulation.
And I get it. Using the word manipulation probably feels a little aggressive when we think we’re being helpful. I know I would rather think of myself as being intentional or strategic. Or maybe I’d even feel okay saying I’m protecting my heart or making sure I get the clarity I need.
And sometimes that has been true. And sometimes those things have been needed.
But I would be lying to myself if I didn’t mention that there have been times when I was trying to make something happen on my own timing. Or I was trying to make something happen that I later found out was not part of God’s plans for my life.
Control Doesn’t Always Look Like Control
This is where it gets tricky, because manipulation doesn’t always look like lying, scheming, or doing something obviously wrong.
Sometimes manipulation is over-explaining because you want someone to understand where you’re coming from. Or withholding how you really feel because you’re trying to control the way someone sees you. It can also be the times you “casually” bring something up to see how the other person reacts. Or when you stay silent because you’re hoping your silence will make them respond.
And don’t get me wrong, I know that there are times when it’s wise to stay silent.
But sometimes we’re actually being quiet because we’re hoping the other person notices our absence, feels bad, and comes running back with an apology or emotional maturity they didn’t have two days ago.
And while it may feel good to have that be the outcome of our silence. That’s still manipulation.
Sometimes Control Is Connected to Fear
Most of us aren’t trying to be controlling just for the sake of having control. A lot of the time, our desire to have control is connected to fear. And what we’re fearful of can play out in different ways.
We may have a fear of being disappointed, or rejected, or being forgotten. We might be scared that waiting is a waste of time. Or we could even be fearful that letting go will reveal to us that it was never ours to begin with.
But instead of sitting with that fear, we start managing it by managing the narrative, how we show up, what we say and how available we are. And all of that is pretty exhausting because trying to control an outcome you were never meant to control will drain you.
You Don’t Have to Force What Is for You
There is freedom in not having to make everything happen.
There is freedom in not trying to manage every outcome and letting people choose what they want. There is freedom in letting doors close. And there is freedom in letting God reveal what is actually aligned with His purpose for you.
There is also freedom in knowing that what belongs to you does not require manipulation to maintain it. So if you’re exhausted from trying to control the outcome, let this be a gentle reminder to stop.
You can be honest, do your part, communicate clearly and obey what God is asking you to do without having to manipulate the situation to get what you want.
God’s plans will require wisdom, obedience, and stewardship. But they will not require emotional games or the need for you to become a different version of yourself to maintain them.
And the last thing I will leave you with is this: If God has to be pushed out of the way for you to get what you want, it probably isn’t worth having in the first place.
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